Thursday, February 02, 2012

being happy at home {part 2}

Here is the thing, while I am satisfied with where God has me, where I am at in life. The feelings creep in...the guilt I do feel sometimes that I'm not 'making a difference'...{which I know I don't have to work at a paid job to do}

I am COMPLETELY thankful and happy to be at home, raising our boys. I also know there are a lot of women who would love to be able to stay home with their children. I guess it's the 'grass is always greener' syndrome.

It's not even that I want a career, I know I don't I suppose it's just more that I don't feel like I am contributing to the world at all. I realize that I'm being selfish here {the purpose of my life is 'to glorify God and enjoy him forever. Adore, worship, serve, seek to bring glory to him}... but I'm human...a sinner.

The inter-webs can be a danger zone. There are blogs/sites about and by women who seem to have it all figured out as a wife, mom, friend....and I know that nobody has it ALL figured out and most don't really affect me. I really enjoy reading others blogs, what they have to say, getting to know some of them better {via e-mail, facebook, etc.} and appreciate them and many have been so encouraging to me in many ways...and I can honestly say I'm happy for them.
It's more the women who have it put together AND are doing something amazing. Like sewing their pants off, or doing cute crafty things, doing something sweet for their catch my drift.

AT the SAME TIME...I realize that what',s the point of all that? I mean I suppose some of them do it for $$ , but mostly they do it because they enjoy it. And then they blog about it. Because why not? Makes total sense.

{ I however, am probably making little to ZERO sense, I am rambling on about the craziness that is in my head I realize...but I'll keep going, it's my BLAWG after all.}

So, I guess I just feel like such a lame person. LAME.

I do it...the wife thing, the mom thing, the house thing, the blog thing, the friend thing...
etc...but I'm not really doing any of it that great. You know?

I know...I KNOW that the purpose of my life isn't to be AWESOME, or to please other people, or show off my mad skills, it just feels like I'm not a little bit good at anything.


I know, GET OVER IT already, but I can't help the longing of DOING SOMETHING with my life. Problem is...I don't even know what I WANT TO DO. I've looked into going back to a few years, for nursing. I'd LOVE being a labor and delivery nurse...and since I have a college degree I can join in an accelerated program. Then I have doubts, like am I being completely selfish in wanting this? It's not like we need extra income or anything...and what about other things I've thought about doing...writing more, opening a store or restaurant? What about just simply investing more in people? Am I completely insane?

Is it just as simple as I am looking to other things for joy/happiness other than Christ?
Am I the worst child of Christ EVER?
Am I the craziest person on the planet...and the only person reading my own blog?

more to come....


Danielle said...

No way, you're not crazy at all! I understand. I've talked to other women who've voiced what you're feeling. I know for a fact I'd feel that way if I did have the photography/writing interest. I know I need to be satisfied in God alone, but he makes us creative people and sometimes we need to figure out a creative outlet, whatever that may be. It sounds like you need to mainly seek God in prayer and just wait and see what he shows you.

I was listening to Revive Our Hearts today and this quote struck me: "My life is not going to look like someone else’s life. If I demand of the Lord that it look like someone else’s life, I might find that I’m missing the things that God gave me and ending up in a place I don’t want to be."

I don't know if this relates with what you're going through, but it relates to ruts I get into sometimes. I'll be praying for you!

anne said...

thanks Danielle, very helpful...and glad to know I'm not the only one. thanks for the encouragement to seek him in prayer!